“You’ll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind.” ~  Irish proverb

I have a tendency to think about things too much. Not to say that I’m thorough or particularly organized. I just think so hard about something that I reach a point of paralysis and often times become too overwhelmed to act. It is my “What if…” syndrome:

“What if I take on too much?”

“What if I start in and can’t finish it?”

“What if I mess it up?”

“What if they don’t like it?”

“What if I don’t like it?”

I’m not sure it is a confidence issue or I’ve simply learned to do this as a stall tactic. Whatever the case, I promised myself this year I was going to tackle this syndrome whenever it appeared.

As I started out this spring in preparing for my homesteading projects, I felt it coming on as I mulled over this huge undertaking. The amount of work scared me. The time it was going to take and the energy I would be expected to maintain to see it all through worried me in terms of my health. The cost for supplies and plants – my budget is already so tight. The weather – we are in Oregon after all. There was potential for conflict in scheduling my other commitments as I try to keep this project a priority.

In two previous posts, Hitting a Brick Wall and Tearing Down that Brick Wall , I explored the use of and created my series of Action Plans.  With a lot of modifications regarding tools, timing, expectations and so on, I have been able to achieve most of my plans already before the end of May.  Of course, my last post also pointed out that I may have pushed myself a little too hard and the action plans were really there to help me manage that. I, however, am stubborn.  Once I got going, I really got going.

I am always looking for an opportunity to play with pictures and why would this task be any different? I used an old bulletin board and created a vision board of what I wanted to see in my front yard. Once I had it put together with pictures of my flower choices transferred from other parts of my yard and what visual interest items I wanted to bring in (textures, colors, lawn accessories, and ‘flow’ or direction), I hung it on a wall so that I could look at it repeatedly during the entire project to offer me some direction as I worked.

Notice how the path actually flows from the top of the board downward like a switchback? I didn’t until about a month later. lol Even the tree trunks line up. It was also great to have all the flowers in the pictures already in my backyard and I didn’t have to buy any of them – simply divided them up.

I set out by developing a set of smaller plans – what are referred to in all of the Stanford University Health Self-Management programs as Action Plans – to help keep the big picture less scary and my confidence in meeting my goals on the higher end of the scale. The first step in tackling a big project is to map out your journey.

I knew I didn’t want a lot of grass and the rogue pumpkin plant in the lower left corner started the idea about mixed use planting.

In my April 11^th post where I thought I was halfway done (turns out I had to dig up everything twice more because my soil was is such bad shape), I was proud of how I had thus far gave myself permission to use a chair when I needed to rest or change my angle while hoeing, took multiple water and snack breaks, used and re-applied sunscreen, asked for help when I needed it, gave up the big wheelbarrow for a small plastic bucket on wheels  and found ways to cut costs. Although this whole thing started in January and I anticipate having everything set by May 30^th, taking five months in the past to complete a project would’ve embarrassed me. Instead, I feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment and am reassured that, even though I may not be the healthy spring chicken anymore, I still have a little cluck in me. I don’t have to quit doing things I want to do – I simply need to keep things in perspective as I do them.

This holds just the right amount and it is much easier to pull than it is for me to lift and push.

Today, I’m going to show some of latest phases of my front yard project. Remaining is the grass seed to take sprout (unfortunately, it doesn’t appear to be doing so) and another one or two bags of cocoa mulch to finish off the path. My next post will be about the garden project.

This was my final double-dig and rake of the soil. Adding more gypsum, sand and peat was my last hurrah to improve this clay dirt into something that will sustain life. I used some of the worst clay chunks to build up the bed sections that will dry into cement – believe me. I also decided that I’m going to create this space to be more than a suburban front yard. Mixed use all the way, baby. See the corn and pumpkin? Veggies…why not?

  This picture shows the work I’ve started in opening up the claustrophobic feeling I had with the neighbor’s arbor vitae. The bark of these trees/bushes/shrubs is actually very pretty and offer great texture. They still need some cleaning up, but do allow a little more air to circulate which was desperately needed. Raspberries, a miniature strawberry hill and the second little patch of corn were added.

The Snow-in-Winter is one of my favorite parts of my space here. I love the way the white lightens up the path. I took this shot to get some perspective on the directions and views that can be seen from the sidewalk.

Since the front can get pretty dry with the heat, I know that groundcover and mulch will be needed. Rather than buying groundcover, though, I opted for pumpkin, herbs like oregano, chives, pineapple mint and thyme, as well as the strawberries and vinca minor from the backyard. Once they get going, they will offer blooms, sweet treats and smells beginning in the spring and last well into the winter.

Grass seed in down and the cocoa shell mulch promises to keep the slugs away, but I’m not holding my breath. All I have to do now is be patient and wait. Thank goodness some cooler temperatures are here to give these transplants a chance to establish.

It offers me some time to establish myself as a successful planner, too.

Now that there is a little rain back in the forecast, that gives me an excuse to take things a little easier physically. I have been hurting more than I have in many years and am not surprised. I’ll be posting the pics of the front yard project (that is done for the most part – yay!) tomorrow. I had a five hour leader booster training for the Tai Chi classes I lead last Thursday and went to Dragon Boat practice that next morning at 6 am. Fortunately, I forgot to set my alarm for Saturday morning’s practice and slept in. Between all that and finishing up the garden prep (another thing checked off my list!), plus workshops and living…I’m beat. The sun will be a problem for me this summer with lesions – that hasn’t happened in a few years – and I had to put on my support hose to ease my leg pain, probably due to dehydration. Again, I haven’t worn hose in about seven years.

Think I’m doing too much? Yup.

For Mother’s Day, I treated myself to a lunch out with my daughter and mom in McMinnville’s old town area. I’ve been there a lot this spring for workshops and am finishing up a Tai Chi class. I have enjoyed driving out that way – it is absolutely beautiful, especially with the blue skies and sunshine. To sit outside for lunch and relax on Saturday was really nice. We did some window shopping and took notes of the places we want to come back to later this summer. It was great to get out of town and not work. It has been much too long.

The chance to hang out with my mom more casually and away from home helped me gain a little more perspective, too. I’ve been pretty vocal about our challenges in the homesteading projects and haven’t been holding back on saying so with her, either. I don’t want to be passive aggressive about things even though that is her default. Of course, my comments then get interpreted in less-than-helpful ways leading to more silence from her. I have told her, though, that I can’t be the only one worrying about feelings when she interferes with my work under the guise of “helping me.” We have mapped out our space and I have to remind her less often that “this is my thing, mom.” She still gets her feathers ruffled, but snaps out of it sooner than she used to now that she knows where I’m coming from.

As a ‘thank you’ to her for learning new ways of dealing with me, I put together a shadow box for Mother’s Day that represents the many reasons why we are grateful for her.

I WILL be back tomorrow with the pics – my homesteading project work is right on schedule, but my body is telling me to ease up. Heck, I’m not going to argue~ I have a lot of posts to put into words and I’m grateful for the rain encouraging me to stay inside for a bit.

Snapshots from the homestead~

As I stroll around and try to figure out my next tasks for my homesteading project this year, I can’t help but be overwhelmed by the beauty already here this spring. A gal in one of the Tai Chi classes I lead mentioned a great idea in putting some of this beauty to work.

She takes pictures using her cell phone of beautiful flower boxes and gardens she sees when walking around McMinnville old town. Then, when she finds out a friend of hers is feeling down or hasn’t been able to leave the house/apartment/hospital room in quite awhile, she sends out these virtual flowers just as a treat for them.  This reduces any concerns about allergies, which are kicking into gear for all of us, too.

By the time I took these photos, a lot of the colors had already begun to fade. Here are a few that are still hanging in there, though.

Nature’s fabric

Slug patrol

Vivid Colors – bright blue, stark white, vibrant greens, pops of red, browns that secure the scene

Sending you all a moment of joy~ from my heart to yours

]]> http://mylifeworkstoday.com/2013/04/24/oregon-spring-can-bring-out-the-artist-in-all-of-us/feed/ 0 http://mylifeworkstoday.com/2013/04/21/dinner-and-a-movie/ http://mylifeworkstoday.com/2013/04/21/dinner-and-a-movie/#comments Mon, 22 Apr 2013 05:15:44 +0000 maria http://mylifeworkstoday.com/?p=4056 Today, my usual Sunday routine was off. Normally, my goal is to spend a lot of time in the kitchen prepping for next week’s meals and snacks. Instead, I have been nesting here at home like a mad woman organizing closets, drawers, hanging pictures, creating door wreaths, moving more dirt and building up the garden. Today, I was also out buying those plants that didn’t come up in the greenhouse this year. We did get things started a little too late and that greenhouse got HOT with all the sunshine we have had this Spring. No complaints from me, however.  I’ve been enjoying it immensely.

I still want to write about my Sunday kitchen time, though. I have been leading two diabetes workshops this spring and one of the most difficult challenges the participants face is preparing healthy meals when they just aren’t feeling great. As someone with lupus, I can completely understand where they are coming from. Making and sticking to healthy life choices are easier to do when we have the energy to follow through with them. When we don’t feel well, we want to comfort ourselves or simply avoid dealing with it all. Good food, exercise, medications, consciousness…blah.

First prep round: Baked Chicken strips, Tzatziki and blended Black Bean soup

Although my fatigue for the past two weeks have been more about dehydration, allergies and Dragon Boat practices than lupus, last Sunday I was just too exhausted to stand in the kitchen and make the scones, breads, dips, syrups/teas and staples like I usually do. So, I combined my lazy-day go-to…a movie… and grabbed a stool. Surrounded by ingredients and tools, I watched/listened to my DVD and got busy. A stool may not work for you, so this can all be done at the kitchen table, too. I needed my stove, so I  had to stay close without having to move too much. Remember? I’m relaxing with a movie…

Want to meet my new favorite kitchen tool?

Rival Hand Blender

In an effort to find some portable protein snacks, since I’m spending a lot of time on the road these days, I have been making dips out of everything I can find. I always cook up black beans and chick peas for the week, but sometimes they go bad before I use them all up in soups and sautés.

So, I keep half of the beans for those and the rest I blend up while they are still warm with ingredients that eventually create black bean and orange spicy dip and a variety of humus blends. This tool is wonderful only requiring being held upright (large grip for those days when the knuckles don’t want to work) and using the thumb to gently press the “on” button. By pulsing the button, my dips blend up quickly and easily in seconds. This beautiful girl will also blend up those soups that are best in blended form like summer gazpacho, sweet potato and even dahl. Talk about not having to move too much!

Clean up?  Voilá! Not like food processors or common blenders at all.  If you do this right after you use it,everything comes off without any scrubbing necessary.

How easy is this?!

I can’t guarantee you will always feel like hitting the kitchen, but with the right environment, movie and tools, your Sunday prep sessions can happen without pushing yourself too far. Even if it means pulling together one dish for the week or cutting up some veggies for freezing and snacking, that is still moving forward towards making healthier goals.

I don’t know about you out there, but I have a very difficult time knowing when to say “when.”  This is my busy season with self-management workshops as well as updating my credentials and new trainings. I also began leading Tai Chi classes and have been juggling new contracts ini order to keep food on the table.

In addition to work, … 

I joined up to participate in the Dragon Boats here in Portland this year. This entails not only pushing myself physically after a very long, lazy winter, but pushing myself three days a week -Wednesday evenings, Friday mornings at 6 am and Saturday mornings at 7:30 am. Grueling.

With something on my docket every day – plus the physical work, I am feeling a little worn down. With allergy season (which flares up my immune system…thus, my lupus) and the cold dampness on the water (Raynaud’s), those are just two more reasons to collapse at the end of the week. Knowing I was about to have a very challenging (and rewarding) Spring, I decided to take on more… my Chronic Illness Homesteading project. Remember all of that careful planning I did to pace myself? Well, I’m proud to say that I’ve been pretty successful at least making a dent, even though I may still be behind on some things. The digging and dirt in nearly done with the raised boxes to be put together this weekend. Then it is on to the garden.

If you recall from my first post regarding the project (Hitting the Brick Wall ), my mother had “helped out” by putting some old chemicals on the lawn to help destroy the rogue grasses and weeds. It inevitably destroyed the entire front yard. The first part of my homesteading project was to revive and redesign the front yard.

Here are the before shots:

Path and front to street

Path to back yard

I have it started and am waiting for some cash to flow in so that I can begin adding grass seed and some of the plants on my wish list. It may not really be as far along as I would like, but this Spring helped out with bringing out some colors while I wait for the next round:

Dirt is in and Spring has sprung

Trying something other than flat to help to direct the winter flooding

The path needs weed covering and then adding mulch for natural texture. I just have to figure out which one that will help discourage ants.

I also decided to repaint the front door one weekend – coat #1 on Saturday and coat #2 on Sunday. I’m loving the bright green, even though you don’t see much of it with the screen door.

The green of this potted crab apple sure helps bring out the new green of the door!

While I can’t help but get angry with myself for pushing too hard,  another part of me, rejoices at making it through each week and still be able to walk, think or breathe without too much difficulty. If I have learned anything over the years of living with chronic health challenges, breaking down goals into manageable tasks helps me to hold onto those parts of myself that would normally have been lost to fear, immobility and depression. I know what I’m doing may surpass what others of you can safely do. But what I am practicing and sharing here with you all are the experiences I have while trying to maintain some sense of my own version of ‘normal.’ Small tasks, slower pace, modified tools and processes and revised expectations of myself that ALWAYS put my well-being as the number one priority, have allowed me to keep trying. It has worked for me over the years and I encourage you to give yourself a chance to rediscover those things you love to do by trying to do them in new ways.

I see some easing up in my schedule happening in the next few weeks, so I’ll be back here yapping on as the projects continue.

Greetings from Sprinkles McFeverish… which is apparently my Leprechaun name.

Just dropping by to say hello and to say I’ll be back in action next week. I’ve been up to my ears in workshops starting up and a six-week training that took much more of my time than I anticipated. Not only have I dropped the ball with blogging, but my homesteading has been derailed. I’m looking forward to getting back to ‘normal’, that is for certain.

Hoping all is well with you and that you’ve found a little pot of gold in your day today,

Maria

Although the last two to three weeks have been especially challenging – typical road bumps around money and unexpected expenses– this past week was one of professional realizations, family illness and my health status. We often hear the phrase “Bad luck comes in threes” and whether you are superstitious or not, this past week proved it to be somewhat true.

As things go awry, the first thing I do is lose my sense of direction because I’m losing my footing. It isn’t necessarily a panic reaction as it is a whirlwind where I’m trying to fix my eyes on a point so that I don’t get dizzy, but really struggle to find that point. I know that once I do, I’ll be fine. When it all comes at once, though, there is just too much going on sometimes to really get a good look around.

My daughter was admitted to the hospital after an ER visit failed to address her excruciating abdominal pain. She called me the day prior asking for advice and, since she was in Eugene, the best thing I could think of was to recommend she call an ER nurse. She did and it led her to a two-day hospital stay filled with testing, IVs and bed-ridden TV watching. Thankfully, her pain subsided with medications and her initial tests have shown that things are “okay.” We just have to wait for the more conclusive results due in a couple of weeks. Until then, I need to tread lightly.

Being a Lifestyle coach and health facilitator, it has been difficult for me to back off with the questions and natural tendency to problem solve. She is exhausted, still struggling with some discomfort and this is the first real illness she has ever had to deal with at a hospital level. Understandably, she may need some time to process it all while return back to full time studies at U of O and her two jobs. In other words, she doesn’t need me jumping into the mix by bugging her about her eating, sleeping, pain levels, etc.

Being a mom, I worry. Although I am not convinced that she is dealing with an autoimmune condition (as her physician has tentatively suggested), I do know that I can offer her some less intimidating approaches to get her health stabilized until her appointment. I want to talk with her about lifestyle changes that, at the tender age of 21, she has very little interest in doing. At any age, who wants to journal health symptoms? Who has the interest in watching and recording every little thing they eat, do, notice, crave, or how many hours they practice stress reduction techniques, exercise or sleep?

She graciously put up with me during our last Skype session and has agreed to pay attention to one thing. It is THE one thing that I think is the root of her situation and is drawn from knowing her her entire life. To focus for one week on only that, she may be able to provide her doctor with a bigger picture than just this past weekend and have a lot more information to share with him. Negotiating this one thing with me helps me feel like I’m ‘doing something’ for her while still allowing her to own her circumstances and make her personal choices. I can’t go through this health crisis for her and have had years to develop a process that I feel is important for me. However, this is her health crisis and no one will know more about her experience than she does. I have to let her muddle through this, sometimes grueling, discovery time and let my need to ‘fix it’ go.

January/February:

Since I can’t actually control what my mom will do, I have decided to clarify with her my goals and divide up the lot. It will give us our own sense of space, allow us to pursue our own goals and reduce the embarrassment of us both spying on and sneaking around. That will probably mean two gardens and “chemical-free” designations. She has agreed to give the garden another year chemical-free since I am rebuilding everything including the front yard, the garden area, and creating a composting system. I am keeping room for possible chickens in the future…we’ll see.

Brick 1: Sit with her and map out the grounds, focusing on each of our goals. Hers are usually flowers and mine is more the natural landscaping. (You are probably asking yourself right now how two opposites like this can live in the same house. I refer you to the resentment mentioned in Part One. Believe me, it isn’t easy.)

Brick 2: Recognizing that this divide and conquer approach is going to be physically taxing on me, and since I refuse to allow her to do too much because of her degenerating spine, put together a timeline that is agreeable for both of us where we can each contribute something.

February:

Basing our seed selections on what and where we will be planting, it’s time to go shopping for this season. Time to try some of those items that I’ve been wanting to try. I think I may have to break down and purchase some hothouse plants since the season can be unpredictable.

Brick 3: Purchase cedar fencing boards to build new raised boxes (approx. 12 boards and 4 wood 2-in strips and eight brackets)

Brick 4: Plant seeds into pots and place into re-located greenhouse (in the middle of the garden right now) with grow lights. Note: Greenhouse has already been moved.

March:

In order to minimize her using  chemicals, I would have to reduce her access to them. Of course, this assumes she isn’t capable of driving to the store and buying more. Since she will use them anyway, maybe I can manage the types and frequency that she uses them on behalf of something that does matter to her: the health of all the water fowl that visit our yard.

Wood Ducks peeking into our kitchen window looking for their breakfast.

Mallards…and better pond days.

Winter chow sessions

She loves the ducks and she doesn’t realize that setting out slug bait WILL harm them if they get into it. I am going to appeal to her caretaker role with them to encourage her in making more informed choices. She doesn’t see herself as ‘taking care of’ us and I think that is where the breakdown occurs. Not that she doesn’t love us, too.

Brick 5:  Clean out the shed and garage of all the old chemicals and take them to proper disposal sites. Introduce alternatives, including resources on more natural forms of pest control, and re-stock the shed.

March/April:

With the rain, it is going to be a real drag to start digging into the front yard. I know I will have to do a lot of double-digging in some nutrients in order to counteract whatever it was that she applied last summer (she can’t remember). This photo is where I’m starting from and simply replanting seed doesn’t appeal to me. In the planning work this January, we’ve decided to explore our front yard to be used for a different purpose than just hosting lawn that was never going to be perfect anyway due to the wild area behind our house. I have found my inspirations and put together a bulletin board to help me label my ‘bricks’. I’ll post the board in March.

Brick 6: Build new composting bin system using old pallets and put together garden boxes. Both can be done in one afternoon.

Brick 7: Have organic matter/soil delivered

Brick 8: Begin double-digging in nutrients to improve the soil in the yard and the garden boxes.

April/May:

Time to begin planting. Using the plans we come up with, we will begin to revision the front yard. What stays is the path and porch~ everything else is up for debate. The front yard will more than likely be mixed use and planting will include vegetables as well as flowers. I also want to introduce more natural elements to soften the suburban feel.

Brick 9: Build based on the framework for how the yard will be used. Dig up, cut down and re-structure.

Brick 10: Create ditches along neighbor fence line to guide their water run-off away from our yard as much as possible.

May/June:

This re-structuring will take a lot of physical work, so I see the process continuing on well into late June. Hopefully, the rain will be easing up a little to do some of the more decorative work that may require bark dispersal or rocks.

Brick 11: Set pavers.

Brick 12: Purchase more plants if necessary, ground covers and other materials.

Brick 13: Put together planters and bring out yard ornaments.

If I achieve all of this, I will have impressed myself. Although I know it will be pushing me physically, last summer I discovered how well my body responded to my pond rescue work (which ultimately failed). I honestly didn’t think I could get in the shape I was in ever again. That makes me hopeful that this huge goal is at least feasible to some degree. I give myself the right to modify and withdraw items from this plan if I see it pushing me too hard.

For July?

Since my fish pond sunk last Fall, after spending an entire summer trying to figure out what was wrong with my dying fish and the messed up ecosystem. I knew something wasn’t right and tore the entire thing apart, only for it to fill in with mud by November. The survivors have been in my garage all winter and will have to stay there until July when I can get to work on dismantling the pond even more. They are fat and spoiled not having to winter over, but very eager to swim around more freely asap.

Twelve are in here and are more fat now since this picture was taken!

2013’s Brick 14:  Create new Jenga for this pond.

I want to mention something before I go.

This sounds probably more like a landscaping project than what may be referred to as a homesteading project. My goal is not to redesign my home for appearances. It is to explore how I can create this space and make it as self-sufficient and sustaining as possible. I have side goals and reasons for what I will do and will blog about those as I go along. I suppose it is in those posts where the homesteading will come through. My emphasis here is to outline how projects can be broke down using the Jenga system and that recognizing how every project or problem needs to be broken into achievable steps is particularly important for those of us living with chronic health challenges. By the way, that includes over 60% of this country’s population, folks.

I want to present an example to those who believe that becoming more self-sufficient isn’t possible when living with health problems. Things can be accomplished using basic principles and the size or scope of any project is always up to us. Reaching even the smallest of goals, however, helps set in motion more future goals. These ultimately lead us to not only believe that healthier living is possible, but moves us towards actually doing it… and at our own pace.

When my front yard looks like this, it means a couple of things.

One, I screwed up big time, somehow.

Two, I have to completely re-plant and that means a lot of physical work beginning in a couple of months.

My backyard doesn’t look like this, but it usually gets the bailed pond water during the summer and all those fishy nutrients. Maybe that helped. What happened up front is a mystery, though, and I couldn’t help but blame my mother. When the cat is away, who knows what that little mouse is doing. She finally fessed up about the front yard a couple of days ago, admitting to having applied some “old stuff” she found in our shed last Fall.

I have been looking at this mess and seeking out recommendations from online extension boards to figure out what happened. Since money is tight, I have no choice but to do the work myself. So, I’ve been sitting here with a bit of resentment towards that little mouse I mentioned earlier. That can’t be good for my health and our home overall.

What I realize this situation is giving me is opportunity and motivation. This mess is the perfect opportunity to address my mother’s interference in my gardening/homesteading goals. She either isn’t capable of or willing to consider long-term effects from short-term actions. Perhaps it is due to the fact that she is 72 years old. What does she care about using pesticides that may cause cancer, right? No matter how many times we have argued about that view being pretty selfish, as her 17-year-old granddaughter is standing next to her, she digs her heels in, promises to not “use any of it anymore,” then goes ahead and does it when she thinks no one is watching.

So, opportunity to address her actions may be motivating me towards justification in my self-righteousness, but I would like to think that I can come up with something more positive.

When a problem looks so big that it seems futile to even try to fix it, I rely on a Jenga method. Breaking down the barrier by taking out a piece/brick at a time until the wall collapses. It’s a little nerve-racking and requires a steady hand, but setting a slow, intentional pace can sometimes pay off. If you rush through the game, it only leads you to a few bricks gained and a jumbled mess to sift through to begin again. I believe it is the number of bricks that ‘wins’ the game. (Side Note: Jenga is a great game to play and help with problem-solving skills and hand-eye coordination, no matter what your age.)

This summer really isn’t only about the front yard. It encompasses the grounds entirely, including a garden that I haven’t taken part in much for the last couple of years. I gave it to my mom to manage and I simply did the work in getting it set up. Unfortunately, it hasn’t been doing well at all – the worst it has ever been – and she is claiming it is due to my insistence on not using chemicals. I vow to prove her wrong, even though I know she has been using chemicals – I’ve seen her do it.

I’m going to put together an outside battle plan that will help me break down this gigantic task, give me only a few things to check off each month to keep me from doing too much, and make it more achievable. Whether I can get my mom on board or not, I need to feel like this home is the haven I need it to be. I realize how fortunate I am to have it. Even though I am working with a home and yard, practicing some homesteading principles (no matter where you reside or what your physical level is right now) can help create a bridge with health management and daily living. I won’t just write about the specific tasks I’m up to – I’ll write more about that bridge that I hope to better build between them for myself and maybe you, too.

Windows seem to frequently represent possibility or potential. At least, they do for me. I had a window open up for me a few days ago and the view was unsettling.

During a recent conversation with a health colleague, I had an epiphany that nearly knocked me out of my chair. The topic was about coaching class participants to find courage in healthier lifestyles. Although I see my role as a facilitator being different than a coach, I heard words coming out of my mouth that were NOT facilitator speak. The words were as an educator, nurse, and public health worker. I was shocked and extremely disappointed in myself. Not that those colleagues of mine are wrong or heartless. I learn a great deal from them through our collaborations. In looking back at my conversation, what the issue for me was not what I heard but, rather, what I didn’t hear.

When I am in the moment, in the class or workshop environment or in the one-on-one setting with someone, there is a natural tendency for me is to just simply listen. I live and work very intuitively, which requires me to listen and pay attention to what is happening. What are the words? What are the emotions? What are the needs? What are the feelings? What am I being asked to hear and acknowledge?

Yet, in the situation where I was describing my methods, training, responses or actions to this colleague, I unbelievably omitted the word “listen.” I think that I have learned to do this omission as a means to reassure program and organization representatives that my services offer them the quantifiable outcome measures they are seeking. That means, relying more on something that can be measured gives them the information that will help them gain funding from sources who require numbers, not feelings. When the focus is on listening, administrators and some researchers hear ‘messy.’ How can we capture a feeling through a number that will be able to address the grant requirements? Have you ever noticed those surveys that ask for specific answers rather than leave you a space to fill in what you want? This is what I’m talking about.

Being able to straddle both the quantitative and qualitative worlds within social and health services sometimes really drains me. I do feel a stronger bond with community-based work rather than in roles that work more directly with administration. However, I have been on that side of the fence and know that there are boundaries that simply have to be respected in order to get anything accomplished.

This brings me back to the shift I mentioned at the beginning.

For years, I have struggled with understanding my blog’s audience and knowing what to write here. The straddling of both the health colleagues who read my posts and my intentions to connect and work closely within the patient community has led me to frequent bouts of writer’s block. Trying to balance education, community service, research, personal and professional sharing, and so forth has been a challenge. I think it is possible, but I’ve been noticing a lot of emotional conflict over the past year and I decided that this year was going to be an opportunity to let something go so that I can take better care of myself.

Let’s be honest. If I write personal revelations here, that may affect my professional life. If I write in mainly technical and educational format, I will lose people who don’t want to feel preached to. Although I’ve tried to balance this in the past, it is just too hard when the comments on the blog or so few and far between. I get emails and feedback from the social media sites, but not on this blog. So, knowing what to write to send out to the void is intimidating and stressful.

I continue with my community work and have many irons in the fire with health facilitation, leading health self-management workshops and classes (some online), community-based research projects, trainings and presentations, and my wellness doula services. I know that the people I work for know me and they know that what I write here represents my view as well as my training and professional experience. Anything I write regarding programs will always be approved first, information verified and appropriately referred. I really don’t need to worry about that professionally.

So what about me personally? What is my heart telling me about how this blog emotionally supports me?

Initially, I thought I would quit. I didn’t think many would notice and that would leave me to not have to deal with the average of 700 spam comments I get A DAY. I researched the analytics and discovered that besides the spammers, there are actually more legitimate viewers than I thought there were! After my initial panic that I’ve not provided enough resources and information to many of those living with lupus here in Oregon, I remembered that I haven’t heard or have seen them tell me that specifically. I also thought about the abundance of health-focused organizations, increase in social media options, pharmaceutical and health-focused programs and thousands of fellow patients speaking out openly about living with health challenges. Is my role to duplicate that or to merely support their work by making sure that I “like”, “retweet” and introduce them as I discover them? Isn’t that what facilitation is all about?

My heart tells me that it is time to look at me. Where am I right now in my own health journey? Where do I want to be or go? Are my health needs the same as they were back in 1998 when diagnosed or 2008 when I started this website? Is the health care system the same? What are the changes, options, needs and potential now? Where does this blog fit in with all of that?

Today marks a heart-felt shift in this website/blog and my life’s work.

Over the years in my community health work, some of the common themes over the years regarding concerns and stressors facing us daily include:

• What is really in our food?
• Does healthy living mean the same for us with serious health challenges, or is it too late?
• What are our roles and treatment options in determining the quality of our own health care?
• How can we have a healthy lifestyle when we can’t find any energy?
• How can we make ends meet without a paycheck?
• How can we convince others that dealing with pain isn’t as simple as taking a pill or losing weight?
• Where do we begin in facing or changing our health challenges?
• How can we make the invisible chaos inside visible to those from whom we need support?
• What legacies are we CI (chronically ill) parents leaving our children?

and, especially,

• What does wellness look like?
• How do we get from where we are now to where we want to be in my life, and not lose steam along the way?

You can see where I am now going in my new tag line under the My Life Works Today! at the top of this page. Even though I still firmly believe in the “Your Health, Your Life, Your Way” philosophy, I am making 2013 a time to practice what I’m trying to facilitate. By exploring where I am going, doing, learning and trying, perhaps that will offer you readers some thoughts that you can take with you on your own journey, without the educational or marketing feel that has plagued me for years.

I really want to explore urban homesteading more seriously, after toying with it here and there for years. I think living with more intention in my life with help my overall health and I want to encourage my daughters to learn about it for their own well-being. I believe blogging about my journey will fit well here.  Homesteading is defined as a means of self-reliance and that is what is the passion behind my community-based health work. I’m not here to show you what you don’t know as much as I’m here to explore with you some possibilities that might support your heart, too. To go through this together, one step at a time and with me right by your side.