Yesterday, I hosted an Independence celebration. Not only for our country’s independence from England, but also as a send-off party for three of the five high school graduates on our street corner.  The boys couldn’t make it, but the three girls and all their siblings (who also are all girls), enjoyed their transitioning from the kiddie table of life to the adult table. 

 As I scurried around making sure all my guests had food, beverages and an enjoyable visit, I:

• slammed my shin into a chair and the door of the dishwasher
• smashed my finger while closing a cupboard door
• hit my head on the deck when underneath while getting the folding chairs
• bit my lip while eating 

And the pièce de résistance? 

Nine of my piggy’s were being cooperative, but the big one on my right foot wasn’t paying attention and jammed itself into a deck stair.  You should see the glorious colors it boasts today for its miscalculation.

You may be asking what my clumsiness has to do with lupus or Independence Day.  Well, it certainly illustrates what a lack of mindfullness can lead to. 

How many times have I been bewildered listening to my mom complain about stubbing her toe on the same table she did the day before?  Over the years, I was unable to fathom why someone would keep doing that over and over again!  She knew the table was there and had the broken toes to prove it.  Yet, she continued.  I am beginning to realize, now, that it isn’t about not knowing where the table is at all.  It is about how our bodies and our brains tend to lose a sense of cooperation as we age.  We know in our minds that the table is there, but the communication with our toes gets lost somewhere in the translation as life, medications, and aging catches up with us. 

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately about kinetics , aging and our brains and symptoms of health trouble.  That’s mainly because I want to learn as much as I can to care best for my aging mother.  However, as I continue to read and learn, I’m developing an understanding that all of what I’m preparing for applies to me, too.  I’m not as young as I once was, but the increasing bouts of clumsiness are pointing to some of my life’s influences that I am letting get the best of me. 

I know this is a Canadian senior-focused site , but it breaks down some of the more common reasons for clumsiness and you will see how much of this applies to us at any age, lupus involvement or physical condition.  This article also gives us some pointers on what we can do to prevent it, which brings me back to that independence and the postponement for this Wednesday’s gathering. 

Accidents happen and my day yesterday doesn’t necessarily mean that there is anything seriously wrong with me.  However, I am beginning to notice some trouble in maintaining my mindfullness and focus during the day.  When we are younger and/or not under the influence of stressors and meds, paying attention is so much easier.  We don’t realize how much work it takes to be that way until we have days like I did yesterday.   I do know that I won’t be able to support my mom’s (or my even own!) independence if I don’t start intentionally building some cognitive strength along with my physical strength.  To get through our days safely, we really do need both to be on board.

So, once my toe heals, we will be having that Target Practice gathering…if for any reason, to better avoid days like my yesterday.

 Hope you all are enjoying your weekend without any injuries, pain or discomfort~ take care!

Last month, I went on a hike through Tryon State Park with my new friend, MLWT Guest Blogger and Acupuncturist, Becca Seitz .  Despite my constant and intense headaches weeks prior, I felt the need to get outside and move.  Preferably with someone to talk to and in beautiful surroundings, which Becca and Tryon Creek provided effortlessly.  During our walk, I was telling her about my headaches and being buried under a great deal of stress.  I had several theories for my throbbing temples ranging from lupus (of course) to changing barometric pressure.  She shared with me some philosophy, which I plan on hitting her up for in a future blog post, that struck a chord in me and I’ve been mulling it over daily since our walk. 

She explained that this philosophy (I believe it is within Chinese medicine) describes a symbiotic relationship between us and trees that involves an exchange of stress.  We often hear how detrimental stress is to our health and wellbeing, causing all sorts of problems within our own bodies and spreading to other peoples’  ‘bodies’ we share our days with.  What we don’t always consider is the wood element in Chinese medicine, also present in Western pharmaceuticals.  Trees have been a part of treating illness for centuries when it comes to medicine, but there is more to that relationship than just the ingredients of the bark we absorb.  The trees are believed to absorb from us, too.  Becca brought up how stressful conditions actually make trees stronger and, if you garden at all, you know to not to tie up your new tree seedlings too tightly to their pole.  The movement from the wind and other forces actually strengthen the trunk during its development .  As we walked along the path through the trees, we spoke of this wonderful idea about unloading the stress we have within us during our walk to make us healthier and that, in turn, we could actually be benefitting the trees around us by making them stronger. 

I’ve been pretty frustrated with the weather here this Spring, as I suspect many of you have been, too.  I thought that it could be because I’m back to sitting in front of the computer for longer periods of time working on several big projects.  Maybe it is because of the gray skies leading to my darker moods, aches and poor sleep.

It could be that I just miss time with my friends and trees, my fellow stress magnets. 

This weekend promises some heat and sunshine, and not a moment too soon. My oldest daughter is graduating from high school and she will be the first to be leaving the nest, so there has been some stress building up within me over that, too.   I know I will be hitting a trail as soon as possible to relieve some pressure and make something good with it, or I will undoubtedly explode. 

Today, I came across a link that leads the reader through a meditation linking trees with de-stressing .  I did it and, surprisingly for me (I don’t like meditating), I actually felt great afterwards. I’d put it here, but haven’t yet figured out whether I need to gain some permissions in writing first.  There’s something else to stress about!  The gist of it is just to stretch, breathe deeply and move gently as if responding to wind.  You can take it from there, but it isn’t anything new.  Just be sure to recognize your own limitations and don’t push yourself too hard.

Wishing all of you a more gentle breeze today and a wonderful weekend~

“Here’s a few details from the instructor about the next Scleroderma Support Group meeting featuring a Pilates presentation by Mckenzie Petterson (photo attached) at 10am Saturday, May 8 at Legacy Good Samaritan Hospital (Wistar Morris Room on 1st floor), 1015 NW 22nd Avenue, Portland, OR. 

The Support Group meeting and presentations for Portland and SW Washington are always free and open to the public.   

1. No pillow necessary. Comfortable clothes preferable (no jeans). 

2. The Pilates will be tailored to scleroderma patients. 

3. Attendees will not need to move around a lot.  We will either sit in their chair or stand (probably both). 

4. I will make a short “workout” for them that will be passed around.  I will include a few anatomy pictures as well that we will go over. 

5. People should be expecting to listen to a short history of Pilates and an explanation of what it is. I’ll also give a little personal history of myself and why I do what I do. I’d like to also take a look at the anatomy pictures before we move. We will then do seated breath work. I’ll probably go through a few exercises focusing mainly on range of motion and core stability. I’ll also bring in spiky balls which I have found very helpful with a few of my clients that deal with joint issues.     

Mckenzie Petterson opened Moving Moxie Pilates in 2008 after training with the Core Dynamics Pilates program. Her love of Pilates started in 2002 when she realized the amazing impact it made on her body and overall health. Mckenzie’s ultimate goal is to see a smile on everyone’s face as they make their best effort in class, be it a group mat class, duet or private lesson. Kenzie was trained by Core Dynamics and is PMA certified and utilizes every opportunity to continue her development as a Pilates instructor and small business owner.”

There will be a free Public Education Seminar offered next Thursday, April 29th and the guest speaker is a well-known rheumatologist in our area, Dr. Elizabeth Tindall.  I will be attending, even though I do not have rheumatoid arthritis (RA).  I know that they are different diseases, but I also know that both lupus and RA share some similar treatments and it will give me a chance to hear some of those updates.  Please note that the date for the R.S.V.P was April 23rd.  If you are interested in attending, contact Janet Lamb at 503-245-5695 Ext. 101, 1-888-845-5695 or  jlamb@arthritis.org as early as possible. 

“Advances and Treatment of Rheumatoid Arthritis” with Guest Speaker Elizabeth Tindall, M.D.

Rheumatologist,  Orenco Station Medical Group

 Thursday, April 29, 2010    Doubletree Hotel Portland – Lloyd Center Broadway Room

 1000 NE Multnomah Street Portland, OR 97232 (Complimentary Parking Available)

 6:30 PM – 7:00 PM    Registration & Dessert Buffet

 7:00 PM – 8:30 PM   Presentation, Questions and Answers

This seminar will provide you with valuable information on rheumatoid arthritis.  Common signs, symptoms and scientific basis of new treatments for arthritis. At the conclusion of the program an Arthritis Foundation Exercise Instructor will discuss self management tips and the importance of exercise. 

The mission of the Arthritis Foundation is to improve lives through leadership in the prevention, control and cure of arthritis and related diseases.

The Arthritis Foundation would like to thank their sponsor Centocor Ortho Biotech Inc. for their grant for this education program. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A Camp JAM (Juvenile Arthritis Matters) benefit concert is will held on May 1st in Portland.

This is a wonderful summer camp for children of all ages and it’s important for those of us who live with illness as adults to recognize how difficult it is for all these kids.  Help the Arthritis Foundation to continue this opportunity that so many kids (and their families) look forward to:

 An Evening of Music with Susannah Mars and Friends

 A concert to benefit the Arthritis Foundation’s Camp JAM (Juvenile Arthritis Matters!)

Please join us on Saturday, May 1, 2010 at Wilf’s Restaurant & Bar at Union Station 800 NW 6th Ave., Portland, OR 97209

 Show: 8:00 PM        Advanced Reserve Seats $35.00 donation      General Seating $20.00 donation

For more information or to reserve your seats 503-245-5695, 1- 888-845-5695 or jlamb@arthritis.org

Camp JAM (Juvenile Arthritis Matters)

August 13-15, 2010 ~ Canby, Oregon

Camp JAM is a free weekend camp for children of all ages with juvenile arthritis and their families.  Children with juvenile arthritis face the daily challenges of their disease where one day they feel good and then achy the next day. This can be an isolating experience for children at school when they have to sit out of physical activities because of their arthritis. 

Our camp allows kids and teens the unique opportunity to learn about arthritis and how to manage their disease and have fun in a supportive setting where arthritis is not a limiting factor. Kids and teens with arthritis will be able to interact with others who have arthritis and form friendships that will last a life time. At camp they will be given the gift of spending a weekend in a place where they can just be kids, not “the kid with arthritis”.

I’m sneaking in a greeting to all of you this Spring celebration of faith and renewal~ 

I want to share this precious card I received from my friend, Linda. of her sweet companion, Dagny.  If you are worried about this poor little pup being put through this photo, don’t be.  Dagny is pretty certain that she is human—to the point of spending little time on all fours and most of the time standing next to you at eye level.  She owns anyone she comes into contact with and that is apparently true for most Golden Retrievers.  Thank you for the smile, Linda!

The card, if you’re wondering, was created through Shutterfly.com ~ a great website and company that gives you so many options to personalize some fun projects.

We hope you are enjoying your day free or with minimal discomfort and surrounded by loved ones.  If you are spending some time alone, know that we are sending our love from here, as always.

Maria

Today, this post is a catch up response and I need to write it all out, so that I can make some room in my head for the piles still sitting on my desk.  Hang with me today and maybe there is something that will be interesting or useful for you, too.

The first thing I want to mention is that March is Worldwide Red Cross Month.  Although we with lupus are not exactly the donor pool they’re looking for and deal with more than our share of lab work, there are still several ways to contribute back to our community.  The Oregon Trail Chapter of the Red Cross has a blog ,written by locals, offering opportunities to learn more about what’s available here.  In fact, I have recently signed up to take an Adult CPR class in April (as my first step towards some certification credentials.)  Their blog offers other things such as free tickets, local event information and even little snippets like the recent post about a landmark I remember from my childhood growing up in Forest Grove .  The blog is full of information and is now included within my favorites.  I recommend you check it out.

Another postponed task is the “Part 2” of my conversation with Roxanne Black (now Black-Weisheit)—author of the book “Unexpected Blessings: Stories of Hope and Healing” .  It will be posted as soon as I dig it out of the drafts file of my emails, where it’s been sitting and (amazingly enough) never sent itself to her for review.  Go figure.  As soon as she gives the okay, it’ll get it posted.  The book discussion for February and March concludes this week officially, but the discussions on Shelfari.com are continuous. To catch all the discussions so far, click here .  If you don’t get the book we’re covering while we’re discussing it, you can join in later no problem.  Fortunately, I have been able to get the authors of the books to do open question and answer, so if you have any comments or topics you want to cover at any time, please feel free to join in. If you don’t want to join up officially, email me and I’ll do the work in getting your note out there for you (and anonymous is fine.) This book has been less of a discussion and more as a recommended reference book.  Those who haven’t participated in the discussions, but have mentioned to me through the other networks I (Ning communities, Facebook, Twitter) and emails, mention how they use the book as a quick source for inspiration or food for thought.  It is a light read, but one that can easily shed some ‘light’ on those days where all we seem to see is the dark. 

The next book discussion in April will be “Little Bee” by Chris Cleeve.  This will be our last discussion until Fall, as we will be shifting towards different seasonal activities.  This next book isn’t  lupus focused, but is about the enduring relationship forged between two women and the story that materializes from a single choice.  A couple of people have requested it and I have heard that it’s a good one.

You may also have noticed that we’ve added an email registration on the right side of the site.  This acts as a sign-up for events, workshops and target get-togethers, community social events, participation in the P.O.R.T program  and local research projects, and for future notices or invitations.  As I would expect from any site when handling my own contact information, your name and email information is never sold to any third party, nor will there be any marketing solicitations.  This registration is merely a means to connect with you out there both locally and nationally, to help build up our services and information data base.  Of course, you can withdraw your information at anytime by emailing me directly. 

With the weather improving (fingers crossed), I’ve had conversations with readers who are interested in partnering up for outings including quick walks, meeting up for coffee/tea, and other opportunities to get out to enjoy the Portland-metro area with individuals who have lupus or lupus-related illnesses.  MLWT partners with other chapters including the Arthritis Foundation Oregon Chapter , the Oregon Chapter of the Scleroderma Foundation , and a few local support groups including fibromyalgia and Living Well with Chronic Conditions , so the get-togethers aren’t limited to lupus only.  There are other social groups offering similar ‘meet-ups’ for activities, but there is still the concern about the varying degrees of ability we experience from day-to-day that the general group participants/leaders don’t account for (because they just aren’t aware, not because they’re clueless.)  Meetup.com offers quite a variety of opportunities.  I belong to the Portland Women’s Outdoor Club  and I really encourage you to join one!  Our P.O.R.T. program is a more defined social gathering designed for those who feel support groups aren’t for them.  Support comes in many forms and MLWT aims to provide as much variety in offering support opportunities for individuals to find the type that works best for them.

In addition to keeping these outings quick, and targeted towards the level of ability for that day, some of these gatherings will include a local professional or a  MLWT Guest blogger who will join in with the group as we do an activity and talk about topics within their specific expertise.  So, as a means to really sneak in the exercise we (I) often push aside, these local gatherings will incorporate a short educational aspect and opportunity to meet potential local health connections.  These new gatherings offer an additional benefit:  they connect participants directly to the outside community (and form the foundation for our P.O.R.T. program.)  So, even if you have limited energy or experience severe health challenges, the goal is to offer a variety of opportunities to help you bridge with others in-person, which is extremely important and necessary for our overall health.  Some of us have Skype, which is the ability to have audio and video when speaking with others through the internet, but that is still no substitute for the real thing (which we will be hearing more about that in future research, I guarantee.)

Finally, MLWT will be offering a class on a topic for anyone living with chronic illness (pending final review), a workshop on bridging our health and work selves, and specific products that are designed through collaborations with local businesses.  I’m currently completing some professional certifications that will be filling out the rest of this MLWT project in order to offer more specific support services.  It all seems to be taking awhile, which is why it is sometimes really quiet here regarding posts.  However, it is wonderful to be coming up on our second year and seeing this project become a more established community service.  I want to thank many of you who have contributed your time, expertise, energy and stories (locally, nationally and internationally).  You have been key in its fruition. 

As always, if you know of someone with lupus, who may have lupus or you yourself have lupus and want to make a health connection, the MLWT lupus “hub” is here to direct you to available resources within our  community.  Referrals are made only to area organizations, foundations, chapters and other professional sources who all have particular strengths to offer and take their missions about health and wellness very seriously. 

Whew!  Now, back to work.  Wishing all of you a wonderful week ahead!

(Image:  CHP website)

I forgot to post this earlier when I heard about it and the deadline is approaching very quickly.  Hope you know a youth who loves to take pictures and wants to express their thoughts regarding healthy communities!  Whether it is through diet and exercise, your environment or where you see problems needing addressed, the contest is about looking at the health (or health challenges) you see around you here in Oregon.

To celebrate Public Health Month in April, Community Health Priorities is hosting a Youth Photo Contest complete with cash prizes and public viewing opportunities in Portland and Salem.  The contest is open to any Oregon youth, ages 12-18 years old and all submissions must be to them by midnight on March 15^th! 

Here’s the link for all the great details and encourage your teens to put something out there.  If you are reading this blog because you live with illness or are one of the millions without decent health care, I have a feeling you can offer some inspiration to your young photographer. 

Community Health Priorities 2010 Photo Contest

Best of luck to all of you!

Case in point, symptoms that present themselves when one is at a mild or moderate level of dehydration sound quite similar to my baseline lupus symptoms. What is frightening for me, personally, is how I am also seeing some of the severe symptoms  from time to time as well, telling me that this has gone beyond being a bad habit and has evolved into self-abuse.

Dehydration isn’t only a problem for infants and seniors, but is also a problem for those who live with chronic illness.  Medications, depression, lack of exercise, and caring for everyone else around us first can lead us into dehydration before we realize it.

I have been dealing with my usual February crud, that generally lasts on average the entire month.  I have no clue why it is every February and, since the month showed up before I could realize it, I’ve ruled out any self-fulfilling prophecy in action.  It starts out slowly then begins its movement from head to chest/cough to gut, back to chest/cough, head, and so on.  When I’m plugged up, I plead for drainage.  When I’m suffering from drainage-overload I wish for a good drying up to give me a break from the Kleenex™, sore throat and a constant hack.  It is during this ‘30-days in Hades’ sentence that I am reminded of my fluid intake habits, as I drink more fluids during this month than I do the rest of the year in total.  Even though I can easily point to my lupus as the reason why I feel the way I do these days, it isn’t my lupus at all. I’m beginning to pick up on a theme.  I’m not saying that my lupus is a fabrication, but that my behaviors really do influence my health both positively and negatively. 

This is a topic I’ve addressed here before. It applies to my new year of pursuing better general health habits, though. By addressing my dehydration and putting it higher on the priorities list than in previous years, I may actually make more headway in my lupus management specifically and my quality of life, in general.  As I think about my crud this month and notice my decreased kidney output, fatigue, foggy-headedness, poor skin quality, dry and burning eyes, muscle weakness, and headaches, I have to admit to that I have brought it all on myself with no interference from my immune system.  In fact, I suspect my immune system has turned the tables on me and is cursing me for making life so challenging.  I don’t blame it at all.

Although I know that this crud has to run its course, I have chosen some new ways in keeping my fluids up during and after this annual occurrence.  These may not be new to those of you out there, but writing them here will help me stay honest.  If you have any other suggestions, I’m open to hearing about them.

Starting this month, I will…

• …explore new teas and decrease my coffee intake.  Since I get so cold during the damp, winter months, I drink a lot of warm stuff.  Now that the sun/spring is on the way, I’m going to experiment with some homemade sun teas.
• …keep some type of soup in the refrigerator all the time for a quick breakfast, lunch, and snack. 
• …keep my desk cleared so that I can easily see if I have something to drink while I work.
• …try to keep from being slack-jawed while I think.  I have recently discovered how much I have my mouth open when I am working on something.  Could be why I picked up a cold at the height of flu season…duh.
• …not use my sense of thirst to determine whether I need something to drink.  I will use the empty glass on my desk or the clock.
• …when I go for ice cream, I’ll reach for applesauce instead.

and, finally,

• …will not keep track of how much I’m drinking, but evaluate how I feel every morning when I sit down to review my schedule for the day.  Tracking my intake amounts only puts additional emotional pressure on me to ‘perform’ and I am just stubborn enough to challenge it (as I have in the past).  By tracking how I feel and making sure I do these other previously-mentioned items, I am convinced that I will see some results.

What are some of the things that you do or have done that have worked to keep you ‘flowing’?

What Would Jillian [Michaels] Do if she had lupus? 

This guru of the moment, I have to admit, both frightens and intrigues me.  I will occasionally get sucked into an episode of The Biggest Loser on NBC, watching people get yelled at, encouraged, hugged, embarrassed, sweat profusely, swear, give up and persevere.  I, then, either change the channel thinking how much I admire them or I go find something else to do, so that I can avoid thinking about my own physical state of affairs…or both.

Jillian’s history with health and wellness stems from being overweight and angry.  For her, being overweight and needing an outlet to find some personal power was the lit match to ignite her towards the place she is today.  How different would it have been for her if her challenge was an illness like lupus, where, more often than not, symptoms are invisible, immeasurable and misunderstood?  Would she have been as successful in achieving what she has if it was something she couldn’t see? 

I think about that, as I sit here trying to get myself motivated to hit the gym.  For one thing, consciously exercising is foreign to me.  Being active, however, used to be very natural.  As I try to pinpoint the primary reasons why I resist being more active, I try to imagine myself as Jillian living with lupus.  Here’s a gal who could probably bully gravity from happening and that is about what I need in order to take my current health more seriously.  Would the same attitude and motivation have worked if she had to take into consideration the same things I do with lupus?  

• Out-of-the-blue fatigue that closely resembles being under the influence of anesthesia?
• Traveling pain and limited range of movement in varying daily degrees, locations or durations?
• Sensitivities to sun, florescent and, now, energy-efficient lighting?
• Understanding that her body is attacking itself and reacts to stress quite easily—even if it is simply due to dehydration?
• Depending on the degree of the lupus, the medications required sometimes cause muscle spasms, bruising and internal bleeding, bone loss, reduction in strength, and nausea? 

Aside from the physical stuff, how would her emotions have influenced her motivation?

• Not always seeing the physical challenges, but having them emotionally hang over her head day-in and day-out?
• Knowing that no matter what she did, how often she did it or when she did it, she would still not hit the end where control was hers to enjoy? 
• People telling her she looked fine, not understanding that it was taking every ounce of energy she had not to fall over?
• Feeling the pressures of trying to be as normal as possible on the inside as she appeared to be on the outside?

One might suspect that these considerations regarding her health would have made things very different for her and they would be reflected in the techniques she uses today in motivating others. Her measurable objectives and gains would need to shift away from actual weight or physical changes and focus more closely on the relationship between the person and their immune system.

• Wouldn’t she have to be more clever in motivating others than relying on the verbal bullying?
• Would she get as confrontational with people for not being able to move their arms without pain or not have the energy to push themselves physically?
• Would she worry that, by forcing their bodies to work harder, she would potentially risk  increasing their already accelerated immunological chaos?
• Would she view their excuses about being tired, in pain or their tears differently? 
• Would she be willing to accept less control in their own lives by recognizing that no matter what they do, they will still be ill? 

Would she still be the Jillian she is today?

My answer about her still being Jillian would be yes—she would still be the tough, unrelenting person that she is  and for one very important reason.  What motivated Jillian towards action was to do exactly what I need to do living with lupus:

Bring my invisible challenges outward and have the courage to face them.

For me, my lupus is under control and I would appear to not have anything wrong with my health.  That is the same with my weight and clothing sizes.  As I (and those around me) focus on what I see, it is the unseen or invisible red flags that pose the greatest harm to my well being.  My choice to avoid making my lupus visible daily gives it more control over my life than I ever get by ignoring it.  As Jillian made visible her personal struggles to overcome her lack of self-determination, so should I.  To put off something that frightens me more than I let on only fuels the lupus rather than control it.

Is minimizing the impact my lupus has in my life any different than a person who continues to carry around excessive weight?  No, it isn’t, because just as that extra weight weighs down a person from actively living, so, too, does the weight of carrying around the idea that if we don’t see our lack of health then it must not be that bad.  We humans, unfortunately, adapt very well to things we sometimes shouldn’t.

Transparency is something Jillian excels at and is what I probably fear the most.  The thing is, though, Jillian is already in my head.  I hear myself spewing the same insults, challenges, shame, excuses and frustration inwardly that we see on every episode of that show.  I become her and her verbal target all in one convenient package.  It is almost as if Jillian represents the once-healthy part of my Self and The Loser is the now ‘unhealthy’ part of my being, battling it out between each other all in the name of best intentions.  The Loser in me is winning these days and the Jillian part of me is pissed.  We all know what happens when she isn’t happy?

Three years ago, my total cholesterol was 270.  By body mass index (BMI) was 25.  My blood pressure was 110/70.  My weight was 118 lbs.  My age then was 44.  I carry all my weight in my core. I am a walking, talking heart attack with a side of diabetes to boot. 

My blood work also showed nearly normal levels in everything, even with my lupus and kidney disease, meaning I have less to worry about with them right now.  So, you can see why I would assume that NOT doing anything other than taking pills was working for me.  The reality, however, is that we rarely die from the diseases themselves – no matter what they are.  It is usually the “complications” that get us in the end, and heart failure would be it for me.  This 2009 research study conducted in Sweden gives another glimpse into why heart disease is a very real possibility for me.  Although I don’t have all the indicators and there are some limitations in the study, I keep this stuff around to remind me that lupus + kidney disease + sitting for long computer hours=big parts of the coronary picture.  I am hoping, though, that I am catching things early enough before I pick up all the other indicators mentioned. 

As someone who seems to do better on a team rather than alone, accepting the Jillian in me helps me gain some footing in my plans for better health this year.  Although the thought of having more shouting matches going on in my head doesn’t thrill me, treating myself gently isn’t getting me anywhere either.  As much as I want to believe Jillian would act differently if she had lupus, I know that the transparency she insists on from her team members is vital for me in getting things accomplished, too.

Bring it, Jillian.  I’m ready.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

I picked out a beautiful 2000 piece puzzle of Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany for my mom this year for Christmas.  It has been years since I did one and thought that it would give us something fun to do together.  The together part is working out fine, but the “fun”?  We’re still waiting for that to kick in.

As I painfully search for pieces with the exact patterns, shapes, images, etc., I hunch over a disaster that frustrates me into a punishing backache.  I have it set up on a table in our house that takes up the most part of our family room.  There is no way to walk by the thing without looking at the embarrassing lack of progress and returning to that hunched position with a dire need to redeem myself by finding “just one more piece.”  After about an hour of work and 15 minutes of trying to stand up straight, it occurred to me that this death wish of a ‘gift’ feels uncomfortably familiar.

The new year is upon us and, although I resist at the start, I usually end up with at least a few ‘resolutions’ or goals that I put out into the Universe hoping I make my way to them within the next 365 or less days.  “Hoping” is the operative word there.  Every year, I tend to look at the entire year all at once, in all of its possibilities.  And, every year, I find myself overwhelmed with all of the work involved.  Unlike the puzzle, I shudder recognizing all the pieces of my life floating around looking for a place to belong.  I lose steam quickly and create some pretty amazing excuses, distractions and impressive cases of sudden amnesia—all in an effort to completely avoid getting anywhere in my big picture.

The thing is, my life is consumed by these unmet goals or resolutions just like that table is fully present in my family room. I can’t get through a day without noticing how little progress I’m getting to something that really could be beautiful, too.

Now, this doesn’t mean that I don’t accomplish things, because I certainly do.  What I’m not happy with is that they aren’t the ones my heart is aiming for and are often downsized for various reasons.  For the last two years, I’ve come up with some general goals allowing myself to ease up on some of the pressure in completing them.  That hasn’t been working out.  I’ve noticed lately several people talking about choosing only one word to focus on for your year, giving yourself something to look for in every day whether it be peace, joy, laughter, gratitude, and so forth.  The only work would be to find something in every day that reflects the word you choose.

I don’t trust myself in doing that.  I have been generally stating goals such as “better health” or “get in shape” thinking that they cover the bases. In reality, they leave me off the hook and unmotivated.

Perhaps I just need to focus on a visual reminder to get me through this year.  Puzzle.                                                                 (image: Buffalo Games)

This year, I chose only five goals that I want to see myself accomplish and complete.  I am viewing each goal as if it were a part of a big puzzle.  With Neuschwanstein, I am breaking the whole thing down by working on the sections of the picture: castle, lake, and branches.  With my goals, I’m using the same process and one that is recommended whenever we put together our action plans to address personal goals.  By having objectives that are specific and measurable, I’ll have direction, more focus and know when I’ve completed the tasks.  That will eventually make up the goal, because each image will become clear with every piece I place.  One of my five goals is still about improving my health, but I think I’ve come up with a more targeted action plan and already see positive progress.  Eureka!

One objective I’m using to measure my progress this year to “Build More Health Opportunities” (both for this project and myself) is choosing resources that get me to be more physically active and outdoors.  My current gym membership—you know, the one I made a big deal about starting last year?—expires in March and I’m not going to admit to you how many times I actually ended up going.  Let’s just say they were pretty darned expensive workouts.  The good news is that I do better with actual deadlines imposed on me by others AND I’ve found a way to integrate the gym experience more into my daily life.  That’s a whole ‘nother post, though.

This past week, I went to my first PDX Meetup.com group called Portland Women’s Outdoor Club .  The registration for this group grew so quickly and, I suspect, will continue to do so, as many of us celebrate in the realization that we can find others at similar physical and skill levels to motivate us to get out there.  There is a great mix of skill levels, interests and ages among the women who attended the first meeting.  I was happy to hear that the activities that I want to take part in more often and learn for the first time were shared by the majority of gals there.  Beginning mountain climbing/repelling, hiking, backpacking, and snowshoeing (although I really need to work on my stamina for that one!).  It was easy to find someone who had a lot of experience in this group in these particular activities who could lead the rest of us newbies.  There are also some pretty creative gals in coming up with some other options when the Oregon winter just isn’t something we feel like experiencing.  I haven’t gone to one of the activities yet, but my curiosity is peaked about this Wednesday’s gathering to learn how to make a coke can alcohol stove (for those ultralight backpackers  in all of us.)

 I will go ahead and cross this objective off, because I’ve signed up with an opportunity and met some of these gals—my biggest hurdles.  I am really excited and encourage any of you locally to check this group out.  The more people, the more options, more opportunities and all the more likely I will take part.

I hope to see you, too!