I am always amazed at how difficult it is for me to return to writing here after a long absence.  Why is it so hard to get motivated to be willing to spill my thoughts into the cosmos?  Is it fear of scrutiny or rejection? Is it the sense that no one cares anyway?  Is it an exercise in futility, because no matter what I think of things…nothing changes?

Since my last post, a whole lot of crap has happened and, quite honestly, I just didn’t want to relive or process any of it. Yet, moving on wasn’t possible either…I felt stuck in the muck and, as it is when you’re standing in quicksand, moving just gets you in deeper.  Deeper is not where I wanted to go.

This heron is a daily visitor in my backyard, mainly due to the 10-inch goldfish that also reside there.  We have a mutual distrust and lack of respect for each other.  We are a threat to each other, aren’t fully understood by others and have long, weird necks.  S/he  looks prehistoric and I, at times, feel like it.

Life gets ugly and sometimes we have to take a minute (or in some cases, are forced to) and look more closely.  How easy it is for me to whine about the chronic stressors and stupid events that make my life difficult, inconvenient and frustrating.  Traffic, relationships, financial challenges, lupus and other health symptoms, weather, work.  The feelings of hidden conspiracies and karmic punishment that don’t simply smack me in the head, but actually compound with every complaint I utter out loud.  My constant manipulative expectations where I believe that if I just meditate for five minutes, then Providence will take pity on me and leave me alone for awhile.

Bargaining fruitlessly until I burst into tears.

I took this picture of my visitor today and, while loading it on my computer, I didn’t see the same bird.  I found myself in awe.  This bird, with its screeching cackle, scraggly feathers, ill-intent and lack of respect for my personal boundaries, is actually very impressive.  S/he (I haven’t bothered to explore which, because it doesn’t matter to me) lives as it is and for all the grief it must endure for its appearance and behaviors, still finds a reason to endure.  It isn’t outwardly friendly or trusting and a pretty private being.  It makes its way despite it all.  It squawks…then slowly moves to another location where it stands with amazing patience to continue its life as it is.  Nothing more.

As a human being, I struggle not with life, but what I choose it to mean to me.  There is my dilemma.  Stressors are only stressful when I deem them to be.  Frustration occurs not from the event, but in how I chose to deal with it.  What I see as ugliness in life is actually a reminder that I’m not living…I’m reacting to life and, clearly, I am not happy about that.

I need to take the cues from this fowl visitor and learn to squawk, move on and practice patience.  Ugly is as ugly does.

I picked up crocheting again this winter as a means of “stress-relief meets holiday gift-giving season.”  This particular piece was a gift to my daughter, who happens to love owls right now.  I can’t take credit for the concept – as my friend Leslie, who authors the Getting Closer to Myself  blog, sent me a similar one in my holiday surprise package last December.  Her gift box, unfortunately, is still in the works…which brings me back to the last two weeks.

Here is my Wednesday with fewer words, both because I’m too overwhelmed for a full post and I’m trying my best to stick to the wordless theme.  This pic represents lots of caffeine, layers of ‘sweaters’, energy and mood swings, too much computer time and stacks of paper in the background…still waiting to be dealt with.

Not to say that using materials to network wouldn’t be smart, as I aim to make a living, but it just isn’t who I am.  So, you probably won’t see anything about me at the next health fair or support group meeting.  This website is enough for me and referrals from people matter more than anything.

What I have been asked to do, however, is to write up a bio and put together a CV (Curriculum Vitae) for new collaborations with Naturopaths and health systems that I’m now working with directly.  It has been a struggle to comb through years of service work, counseling, grant writing, program development, crisis intervention/family mediation, youth case management, graduate studies, research, and so on.  I’ve also learned that it is very important to include volunteer work, which only made this whole exercise that much more daunting.

This additional recommendation of using volunteer work as “work experience” reminded me of a conversation I recently had with a workshop participant about how much work living with chronic illness can be for all of us.  Simply managing all that we have to manage to get through our days, weeks, months and years is, in itself, a full-time job.

My exercise in getting this bio/CV put together has been to go back to my professional beginning (starting in high school, apparently) and identifying all of my skill building opportunities that have contributed to who I’ve become over the years. Basically, write my professional story.

I would say that we could all stand to take some time and write our story, as if learning to manage the challenges of our health has become what we “do.”  Why not?  We keep going to workshops, reading books, searching the internet, taking classes, going to our medical providers….all under the assumption of “If I just knew…” 

Through my work as a facilitator, and based on my past service work experience, you will discover what I have over the past couple of days in doing this exercise…

we already know a hell-of-a-lot…and it’s damn time to give ourselves some credit for it. 

Take time to stop expecting someone out there to have more knowledge about how to care for ourselves better than we already do.  Give ourselves more credit in the level of expertise based on our own personal experience, trial-and-error and real-time living.

Write your own C.I. (e.g. chronic illness) ‘resume’ – you will be shocked at how powerful your own professional skills have truly become over time.

And smile – you’re amazing.

Here are the three community requests and the responses I received – thank you to those of you contributing to the discussion!

Request #1: Some suggestions on how to respond to family/friends who question the inconsistencies of our symptoms (for example, “You were fine a half hour ago!”)

A few people recommended The Spoon Theory, a familiar tool using something tangible to reflect a measurement of how much energy it takes to get through a day.  Although not everyone with lupus experiences challenges with fatigue, using spoons (or I’ve also heard people use other things like tooth picks) is a good way to express loss that others can relate to.

On a similar note, I recently learned of a communication tool that a dear friend, and organizer for the Portland-area Fibromyalgia/CFS support group , Tamara uses to give her husband a signal for the day regarding how she’s feeling.  When her clear jar is full of the polished pieces of glass, she’s doing great.  As the day goes on, she removes pieces as needed and, without saying a word, he ‘sees’ where she is at a given time.  What makes this a wonderful way of communicating is that they both developed this language together and by taking out the need to exchange words taxes her less and strengthens their relationship more. Co-creating a communication tool that speaks clearly and compassionately is something maybe to ask your friends to take part in.

Of course, there is the standard communication tool of “I feel…” messages, as I was reminded by a graduate of the Living Well with Chronic Conditions workshop, Laurie.  These messages, with practice, help take some of the defensiveness out of a situation by focusing more on how we feel or the concerns that we have when something is said or done.  In the situation that prompted this question here, the member who sent me the email felt defensive immediately when her sister-in-law couldn’t understand what happened within a half hour that changed her energy levels.  She snapped back and wished that she had a better, and cleverer, response that wouldn’t have led to hurt feelings all around.  Here is an example of how a conversation might happen and how using these types of messages can make the same conversation go a little better for everyone:

Without an “I” message –

Sister-in-law: “You were fine a half hour ago!”

MLWT member: “So, what are you saying? That I’m making it up? Thanks for the compassion…”

With an “I” message –

Sister-in-law: “You were fine a half hour ago!”

MLWT member: “I feel like I need to defend myself when I can’t explain how much my body puts me through.  I really want to figure out a way of telling you how I feel so that we could understand each other better.”

The key here is that the MLWT member focuses on what she is feeling, thinking and wanting without using those dreaded “You” messages that feel great in spewing to others, but cause emotions to get away from us… leading to defensiveness towards everyone.  Whether the sister-in-law commits herself to actually help figure out a way to better communicate is out of the MLWT member’s hands.  First, and foremost, the MLWT member gets what is on her mind off her chest and maintains a sense of calm (managing stress) while coming up with an idea to ‘fix’ the situation (proactive and constructive). These messages may not feel very natural at first, but taking that extra minute to focus on taking care of you gives more opportunity for positive results than there would be otherwise. 

Finally, MLWT member, Janice, simply stated:  “Tell her to just smile and nod – people will never really understand what we’re going through.”  Good point, Janice.

Request #2:  Kitchen products that have good grips and are light weight

Here are some responses I received to this MLWT member request:

-OXO products

-Kitchen Kaboodle sometimes has great little tools, or any senior living source (Gladys)

-Arthritis Foundation website sometimes mentions products (Laurie)

Anyone else?

Request #3:  Any books that help mothers be supportive to their children who are struggling with chronic health challenges (preferably non-clinical)

I’m still compiling, but Universityof Michigan offers a great website that covers some really important points that you may be interested in.  It isn’t easy to find sources covering illnesses like lupus or fibromyalgia, but consider seeking out books and websites that cover areas like cancer (LOTS of books available).  Even terminal or hospice sources that discuss caretaking for communication tips. Of course, the National Lupus Foundation is always open to hearing your requests, offers topics like this in their webinars and has a book recommendation list  you may want to check out.

If you’re on Twitter and have some additional resource ideas, use #CIbook within your tweet and I’ll find it!  You are more than welcome to share them here, as well.

The Winter/Spring MLWT Musings enewsletter will be out in late February, so if you have any thing you want to put out there to the community members to help problem solve an issue, email me here and I’ll get it into the next edition.

Usually, I only take two medications to manage my lupus and it’s affects on my kidneys.  Those two medications are an immunosuppressant CellCept ® and the ACE inhibitor/diuretic brand name Lisinopril .  I have been through many more pills and higher dosages over the years, but have been consistent in this current regimen since 2007.  In all honesty, there have been some hitches in dosages from time to time.  However, I’m fortunate to have a physician who trusts me to be responsible and upfront with him if I really change things up, other than just a missed dosage or two.

I mention my meds because I know that taking pills bothers many of us and that, even though these are the only pills I have to take on a daily basis, I still fight taking them.  You may notice that I don’t list supplements and that is because, well, I hate taking pills.  I am changing back to my original medication program to include calcium/vitamin D, though.  I stopped taking them for about four months to rule out some of the digestive issues I was having and now believe it was the brand, not the supplements themselves, causing the trouble. I’ve just been lax in buying more and starting up again.  I DO NOT recommend that you do not taking them, especially if you’re doctor has told you to take them.  Please do as I say and not as I do.  Listen to your doctor.

As I get back into paying more attention to my lupus and the methods I use to re-connect the dots (so to speak), I see that I practice a great deal of mind-body therapies instinctively.  That means, I don’t resist standardized medicine completely or consciously.  I merely automatically seek ways to tie together what I think about my health with what my body tells me that I can understand.  With kidney disease, we just can’t know all that is going on, because there are very few outward symptoms to notice until things are in really bad shape.  With my lupus, though, there are other symptoms that are familiar to me and easy to track.  It is still advisable to run them by your doctor, but you may be able to take some steps to address them until your next appointment.

These familiar and less intrusive symptoms are what I focus on when I practice my self-care to help heal the over-board immune response that is my lupus. These symptoms include headaches, fatigue, “brain fog”, heat and swelling in my tendons (ankles and wrists, mostly), eye sensitivity, mouth sores, sun sensitivity, stiffness in my joints, indigestion and so forth.  Although sometimes these can be extreme and are then shared immediately with my physician, I have found that I can minimize their impact if I get to dealing with them as soon as I notice them coming on.  There are some other non-traditional lupus symptoms, but still seem to be involved in my immune ‘surveillance system’ reacting to threat.  Most common include hot flashes/sweats, sleeplessness, confusion, dehydration and appetite changes that I suspect have more to do with the fact that I’m nearing fifty and/or not managing my stress levels effectively.

One of the mind-body ‘therapies’ I use quite often is Autogenicsˡ.  In a nutshell, this therapeutic tool is simply using self-guided verbal instructions addressed to specific parts of my body.

Although I sometimes feel like my dog listening to me tell him what to do all the time, there is something about actually hearing me tell myself “Stand up” when I’ve been at the computer too long.  I’m not kidding, saying it out loud makes all the difference!  Let me clarify that I’m not bullying myself into standing, but simply (and with stern encouragement) motivating myself to practicing some self-care.  The reason it is more effective if said out loud, which has been known to create some confusion in social settings, is because we need to get out of our heads sometimes to take ourselves more seriously.  Only thinking to myself that I ‘should’ stand can be, and is often, ignored by my stubborn disposition. Besides, “should” is not a word I am particularly fond of nor respond to favorably.

I started with simple ones, such as “sit”, “eat”, “stretch”, “breathe.”  I’ve moved up to more specific, but still short-and-sweet, ones like “go to bed”, “drink some water”, “park farther away” and “grab some fruit, not that cookie.”

This really simple tool, and many mind-body therapies are, get me to listen to my gut instinct through practice.  Making that connection between serious self-care and recognizing the partnership between what I’m thinking and what I’m doing, has truly helped me address my constant dehydration and develop more consistency in remembering to take my pills.  Introducing the supplements again will be my new ‘trick’ to learn and, yes, there will be treats involved.

I’m going through my list of favorite mind-body tools and will post them all next week.  Some you may already know about a few of them or maybe you haven’t tried them yet. I encourage you to think about giving at least one a try and to come back here to share your experiences.  If you have resources (online or classes) that you have found to be helpful in learning more about any of the techniques I cover, you are more than welcome to send them in and I will include them in the next  MLWT  Musings e-newsletter.

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Source:

1. Maizes, V. &  Low Dog, T. (Eds.). (2010). Integrative Women’s  Health.  New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

One of the most important points I make when co-leading the Living Well With Chronic Conditions workshops is the difference between acute and chronic conditions. I may have covered this before, but bear with me as it is well worth repeating.

 Acute conditions usually have one cause, begin rapidly with a short duration and are diagnosed rather accurately. They often have cures that physicians can easily guide us in taking clear, decisive measures to getting ‘well’.  Chronic conditions are, of course, the opposite.  They gradually occur with many symptoms that come and go with no specific origin at first.  There is often more than one treatment or medication to chase symptom management, tests are usually inconclusive and cures are rare.  The roles of the health professionals are, at best, only able to educate and advise us, frequently requiring us to build a partnership with them in learning how to ‘manage’ rather than ‘return to’ optimum health.

For several years now, I have been relatively lucky and blessed to have my lupus of the more manageable type, although kidney involvement can get serious even without any apparent symptoms.  I have learned to know how my body works, what it responds to best and the unique needs it seems to require of me.  There are times when I do refuse to listen and it is very good at letting me know when I screw up.  My symptoms have been quiet and my blood work has shown no outward activity.  That’s the thing about lupus – we ask ourselves in the beginning “Is this lupus?” with every odd symptom or virus that comes our way. After we get better at learning the difference and things do improve, we can’t help but want to simply believe it is merely the flu.  We want to put lupus behind us and take every opportunity to do so.  I never had the typical lupus symptoms and apparently I never will.  So being on the lookout for ‘lupus’ was easy for me to let go of and minimizing the little stuff came quite naturally.  The only thing that kept me focused on chronic illness at all was my health experiences from the past and my current profession.

Despite knowing better, however, my lupus is here to remind me that it is still very much a part of who I am. 

How is it possible that I, someone who stresses to others frequently that “chronic means chronic”, can forget that my own lupus never actually went away?  How often do I hear participants confess with sadness that, when they have good days they feel like their old selves again,… only to cry when their symptoms return and they are faced to re-live their losses all over?  That constant battle between what their life was and what their life is now.  Although I often express gratitude to my body when it cooperates and allows me to find some joy in my days, I admit that I took for granted the ease of movement, the flexibility in dealing with daily hassles and the boundaries that I pushed to the point of tempting a full-blown flare.

After years of nothing to really complain about, my lupus has returned with the memories of the pain, stiffness, swelling and concern right along side it.  I will have to re-learn the strategies to overcome the constant pain signals because my tendons have become inflamed.  I will have to adjust to the swelling in my legs and the need to prop them up from time to time.  The blown blood vessels and the more frequent lab work to monitor my kidneys.  The realization that my morning stretches will be met with much more resistance both physically and emotionally, now that my aches will beg me to simply stay in bed.  My work will be more difficult and I will have to take more breaks, impeding my flow in writing and facilitating.  I will have to just slow things down after years of being able to operate at a much faster pace.  I feel myself digging in my heels and desperately trying to figure out what I “did” to bring it all back to this extent.

The fact is – and I KNOW this – is that lupus is a chronic condition with a constant cycle.  Out of sight does not mean out of mind.  Living as well as we can is possible and is important to aim for, but we are faced with the reality that we can never truly forget things aren’t right…and that hurts.  Regret that I took advantage of my blessing rises up within me and I talk it down as quickly as I can, knowing that my response to the symptoms right now will set the tone for how these days ahead will play out.

Taking on the role of victim or the spoiled child fighting back to the word ”no” will only create a ‘ me vs. it ’ perspective and will ‘loop’ right back physically to my immune system detecting more threat.

I find myself back to reliving my past and, quite honestly, am in a better position now after the years of working with, listening to and learning from so many others who have struggled, too.  I think this will be good, as painful facing it all again will be for me in many ways.  I have never believed that I was cured, but I did believe the worst was well behind me.  The timing for it all to return at the beginning of the year couldn’t be more appropriate.  Nothing truly changes for me as I take one day at a time to meet an objective that I want to reach.  I will create my days working to reach an immediate reward that will help me face my next day with a little more hope.  I didn’t deserve this or really even earn this recurrence, because my health is a cycle of symptoms, seen or unseen, that I need to remember and respect.  What it does give me is the opportunity to get through it all successfully, again, and reminds myself of that strength residing within me that I had forgotten over these past years. It’s this simple reminder, not my lupus, that has been my biggest gift this season.

I am wishing you all many gifts, lots of hope and peaceful insights touched with joy throughout the New Year~

I offer both in-person and online Discovery Sessions that focus on wellness – not just illness, but the overall concept of health as “…a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being.” (Straub, 2012)  If someone wants to look at their relationships, their work, their feelings about their health challenges, or simply wanting to open up to learning more about what is going on “inside”, the Discovery Sessions are a quick, easy and non-therapeutic (meaning they aren’t therapy) activity to tap into your intuition.

For PFAM, I did a session myself on addressing the theme on using images to ‘scrapbook’ my illness.  Below, you will see what you would do on an online Discovery Session with me.  The sessions only allow five minutes to put together the collage – that is important.  We want to tap into our intuition and choose images before we have a chance to block them out or think too much about them by bringing in our feelings, perceptions, concerns and so forth.  Every session begins with a prompt we come up with when talking before hand and, for mine today, I chose “How do I see my illness?”

Here’s what I came up with:

My notes that I took during the session:

“This image set offers me more image-reference rather than explicit photos, which made this session more reflective. Lots of blues, surprisingly more serene while doing it and images chosen imply it.

• Action refers to work, which is constant with C.I.
• Middle image is ripe tomatoes, I choose to represent setting seed.
• Smallest image of hospital bed acts as a constant reminder that floats above everything.
• Image showing invisible illness among visible social ties.
• Are those ruins or indications that over time I’ve been worn, but still here to be marveled at in terms of achievements?
• The colorful salad represents both nutrition, that I am what I eat, but also the ingredients I need to constantly choose to make my life the healthiest it can be.
• The images of the swirling circles, of course, represents my immune system that is involved with the work I must do. It interacts with the level of visibility I choose to have and the seeds I plant every day for myself and those around me.
• Notice the unintentional direction that seems to swirl towards the hospital bed, but is distracted from reaching it due to the other images it overlaps. Tells me I still can make a difference in my overall health direction.”

 (C.I.= chronic illness)

Again, these sessions aren’t therapy, even though they have therapeutic properties.  I am a wellness facilitator, which simply means I organize the setting and coordinate the process, but the participant – you – choose the image meanings, define the connections, and take from it what you want to use.  My role is in simply asking the questions without any expectations or judgment.  I supply the momentum to assist you in exploring what you want to learn from you yourself. Who better to answer your own questions?

I am offering these one to one-half hour online sessions for only $15 throughout December and January,  because I want anyone to have a chance to take part.  It is a wonderful, self-care opportunity to play and learn, without concerns of lacking ‘creativity’.  We didn’t worry about that when we made our first collage in grade school, so why stress out about it now that we are all grown up?  That need to explore is still within us, but we’ve had many years to build up our barriers and walls of fear.  If you have ever spent time with grandchildren or your own children and loved how carefree they are when creating, that is what these sessions can offer you, too.

This is the season for joy~ and online Discovery Sessions are just one more opportunity to create some for yourself (or a friend) who could use a little lightness in their day.

One of the many things I’ve learned about the fibro community is that pain is a strong motivator.  With lupus, pain is sometimes present or may be more present in our days than we would like it to be, but not one of the key symptoms associated with our illness.  When someone lives with pain, it affects and changes us to seek out answers, information, resources, or alternatives at a level that we may not be naturally inclined to act.  As someone living with lupus and looking just fine, it is easy for me to decide not to talk about my health.  I can blend in without too much effort, keeping the internal chaos as invisible to myself as it is to the person standing in front of me.  However, I started out with a great deal of pain, before I knew that lupus was ravaging my kidneys, and I know that I showed my pain in the way I attempted to walk, reach, sit, smile…live.

I have been granted an opportunity to meet with many local people and have become part of the strong Fibro community here in the Portland Metro area.  If you are interested in meeting some of them, many are members of their Ning community that I have listed down in the right margin here under “MLWT Networks.”  I receive emails from locals living with fibro (as well as worldwide) on a regular basis, more so than from people living with lupus.  They speak about what they are looking for, what they are doing and how they are thriving in spite of their constant pain.  Many are open about asking for help, even if it is a difficult thing to accept at times.  They welcome visitors to their groups in order to ease the discomfort a new environment can create for many of us.  The emotional wall seems much more flexible for these individuals and, I suspect, their life with pain moves them to keep connected to something or someone with hopes to mute their body’s hurtful signals to any degree possible.

Although my mother lives with, what she has been told by her doctor, “secondary fibromyalgia”, I still don’t ‘get it’ and I know I truly won’t ever fully understand what she goes through.  I do, however, want to learn more (and hear more) about as many fibromyalgia experiences as possible, because I know I will be able to better appreciate the information I receive coming from the ‘trenches’ more than I will from a research article or medical/pharmaceutical presentation.  I want to be here for my mom in a way that will actually acknowledge her unique experience and offer her the support that she needs, when she needs it.

To honor those many people living with fibro that I have met through MLWT, I will be hosting two book discussions in a row that focus on living with Fibromyalgia.  The first book is FibroWHYalgia, by Sue Ingebretson, and our discussion on Shelfari.com will begin October 1st.  To kick things off, Sue has offered a free, signed copy for the lucky winner.  Even if you don’t get around to picking up a copy of the book right now, you can still join in on the discussion and we encourage you to do so.  It’s a chance to have a conversation that is guided by the topics covered in the book and an opportunity to perhaps learn about additional resources that may be of help in your own fibro experience.

Here’s how you can get the FREE copy of Sue’s book for the discussion:

• The contest will run from today September 15th until 11:59 PM Pacific time, Friday, September 23rd.
• The winner will be selected in a random drawing on September 24th. I want to keep this give-a-way free of strings requiring you to do anything to win.  However, since this is for our MLWT Book Discussion group, you will need to register a free account with Shelfari.com.  It is a great place to meet others reading the books you are and MLWT isn’t the only group.  Authors are also beginning to sponsor their own discussions, so it is worth the effort and a great way to keep up during the winter reading months.
• I would also like to add your email addresses to my new seasonal enewsletters (The MLWT Muse) that highlight wellness updates and resources to know more about, both local and outside ofOregon.
• I will contact the winner via email on September 24th, and they will have 48 hours to reply in order to claim their prize. (So be sure your email address is correct!) After 48 hours I will move on to another winner.

To enter this give-a-way:

1. Sign up for the MLWT Mailing list (directly to your right on the MLWT website) and leave a comment below letting me know you’re signed up.  Then,
2. Sign up for the MLWT Book Discussion Group on Shelfari.com .
3. If you are already registered for either or both of these, just leave a note in the comments here to enter your name!

Once the winner is chosen and has claimed their prize, Sue herself will contact them by email with her congratulations and get their mailing address for the prize copy.  The winner should receive it in time before the MLWT discussion really picks up.

Best wishes to you all for the win and I’m looking forward to the upcoming discussion!

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To learn more about Sue and her book, you can find her on Twitter (@SueInge), her Facebook fanpage , and her book’s website www.FibroWHYalgia.com .  She is also an MLWT Guest writer and you can enter her name in the search field on my website to bring up posts that she has contributed so far.

The urgent note I want to mention is that, although the group has moved to the Multnomah Arts Center , which I’ve had posted on the site.  This meeting had to be changed back to the old stomping grounds at the Beaverton Library on 12375 Southwest 5th Street . Due to road construction and the Farmer’s Market, the time has also been changed to begin at 1:30 with Andrea coming on at 2pm.

I hope to see you there~ trust me when I say this is a fun way to spend the afternoon.

For many of us living with chronic health challenges, we spend a lot of time in elevators. 

On good days, we try the stairs.  That time spent in elevators, however, can reflect our lives as a perfect metaphor for the “ups” and “downs” of where our emotional states are during our time in transit, between going to and returning from doctor appointments.  And, what used to be a more private space to collect our thoughts either way, we are now acutely aware that “someone” is always watching.

So, how have those elevator rides changed for us?  Are they more frequent? More, or less, emotionally difficult? Still solo, or now include fellow travelers by our side?  Standing freely versus now requiring a means of physical support?  Are the elevators the same, or have we moved on to different ones with new flyers to read, buttons to figure out and new eyes upon us through the security camera lens?

I’ve noticed throughout my life that my rides in elevators have always challenged me to decide to acknowledge someone else sharing the journey.  The quick eye contact and swift, polite smile followed by screaming body language that states clearly “Leave me alone.”  Rarely has it been personal towards my co-rider, although there have been moments.  Primarily, it has been more about me going inward with my thoughts in order to prepare for the final destination.  To the job interview.  To the doctor appointment.  To the lawyer’s office.  To my car in the parking garage.  I’m focusing on where I’m headed rather than who is heading there with me, or at least tagging along for part of the ride.  That’s how I handle a lot of the changes, stressors or situations in my life as a whole.

I have used those rides, when alone in the elevator, to practice my speech.  Go over my conversation, recall the questions for my doctor or to desperately remember which floor I parked on.  It used to be weird being in a mirrored elevator.  Now, that’s nothing compared to how embarrassing it is when I catch myself in mid-sentence during my monologue, realizing that the Security employee is probably laughing in hysterics.

The speed, accommodations, flyers, fellow travelers or destinations haven’t really changed too much for me over time, but the quality of the time spent in my little ‘think tank’ has.  If I’m stressed and truly need that time to prepare or process, I’ll pull out my headset and pretend I’m talking on my cell phone.  Yeah, I do that, and I’ll openly admit to it.  I need to talk things out, but preferably with myself first rather than immediately sharing it with my support network…my fellow riders.

If I leave things too long in my head, I not only lose my train of thought—I lose my perspective.  I need check-ins between my heart, intuition and my brain.  I need to have a sense that I’ve squared things, before I openly share it with someone on the ‘outside.’

If we ever run across each other in an elevator some day, be sure to say hello and don’t let me close off too soon.  If I do, though, don’t take it personally.  Once I get things worked through in my own way, I’ll be happy to share the ride with you~

~ wherever we are both headed.