As I contemplate this month’s focus on heart health or, more accurately, the demise of my own heart health, I can’t help but ask myself:
What Would Jillian [Michaels] Do if she had lupus?
This guru of the moment, I have to admit, both frightens and intrigues me. I will occasionally get sucked into an episode of The Biggest Loser on NBC, watching people get yelled at, encouraged, hugged, embarrassed, sweat profusely, swear, give up and persevere. I, then, either change the channel thinking how much I admire them or I go find something else to do, so that I can avoid thinking about my own physical state of affairs…or both.
Jillian’s history with health and wellness stems from being overweight and angry. For her, being overweight and needing an outlet to find some personal power was the lit match to ignite her towards the place she is today. How different would it have been for her if her challenge was an illness like lupus, where, more often than not, symptoms are invisible, immeasurable and misunderstood? Would she have been as successful in achieving what she has if it was something she couldn’t see?
I think about that, as I sit here trying to get myself motivated to hit the gym. For one thing, consciously exercising is foreign to me. Being active, however, used to be very natural. As I try to pinpoint the primary reasons why I resist being more active, I try to imagine myself as Jillian living with lupus. Here’s a gal who could probably bully gravity from happening and that is about what I need in order to take my current health more seriously. Would the same attitude and motivation have worked if she had to take into consideration the same things I do with lupus?
- Out-of-the-blue fatigue that closely resembles being under the influence of anesthesia?
- Traveling pain and limited range of movement in varying daily degrees, locations or durations?
- Sensitivities to sun, florescent and, now, energy-efficient lighting?
- Understanding that her body is attacking itself and reacts to stress quite easily—even if it is simply due to dehydration?
- Depending on the degree of the lupus, the medications required sometimes cause muscle spasms, bruising and internal bleeding, bone loss, reduction in strength, and nausea?
Aside from the physical stuff, how would her emotions have influenced her motivation?
- Not always seeing the physical challenges, but having them emotionally hang over her head day-in and day-out?
- Knowing that no matter what she did, how often she did it or when she did it, she would still not hit the end where control was hers to enjoy?
- People telling her she looked fine, not understanding that it was taking every ounce of energy she had not to fall over?
- Feeling the pressures of trying to be as normal as possible on the inside as she appeared to be on the outside?
One might suspect that these considerations regarding her health would have made things very different for her and they would be reflected in the techniques she uses today in motivating others. Her measurable objectives and gains would need to shift away from actual weight or physical changes and focus more closely on the relationship between the person and their immune system.
- Wouldn’t she have to be more clever in motivating others than relying on the verbal bullying?
- Would she get as confrontational with people for not being able to move their arms without pain or not have the energy to push themselves physically?
- Would she worry that, by forcing their bodies to work harder, she would potentially risk increasing their already accelerated immunological chaos?
- Would she view their excuses about being tired, in pain or their tears differently?
- Would she be willing to accept less control in their own lives by recognizing that no matter what they do, they will still be ill?
Would she still be the Jillian she is today?
My answer about her still being Jillian would be yes—she would still be the tough, unrelenting person that she is and for one very important reason. What motivated Jillian towards action was to do exactly what I need to do living with lupus:
Bring my invisible challenges outward and have the courage to face them.
For me, my lupus is under control and I would appear to not have anything wrong with my health. That is the same with my weight and clothing sizes. As I (and those around me) focus on what I see, it is the unseen or invisible red flags that pose the greatest harm to my well being. My choice to avoid making my lupus visible daily gives it more control over my life than I ever get by ignoring it. As Jillian made visible her personal struggles to overcome her lack of self-determination, so should I. To put off something that frightens me more than I let on only fuels the lupus rather than control it.
Is minimizing the impact my lupus has in my life any different than a person who continues to carry around excessive weight? No, it isn’t, because just as that extra weight weighs down a person from actively living, so, too, does the weight of carrying around the idea that if we don’t see our lack of health then it must not be that bad. We humans, unfortunately, adapt very well to things we sometimes shouldn’t.
Transparency is something Jillian excels at and is what I probably fear the most. The thing is, though, Jillian is already in my head. I hear myself spewing the same insults, challenges, shame, excuses and frustration inwardly that we see on every episode of that show. I become her and her verbal target all in one convenient package. It is almost as if Jillian represents the once-healthy part of my Self and The Loser is the now ‘unhealthy’ part of my being, battling it out between each other all in the name of best intentions. The Loser in me is winning these days and the Jillian part of me is pissed. We all know what happens when she isn’t happy?
Three years ago, my total cholesterol was 270. By body mass index (BMI) was 25. My blood pressure was 110/70. My weight was 118 lbs. My age then was 44. I carry all my weight in my core. I am a walking, talking heart attack with a side of diabetes to boot.
My blood work also showed nearly normal levels in everything, even with my lupus and kidney disease, meaning I have less to worry about with them right now. So, you can see why I would assume that NOT doing anything other than taking pills was working for me. The reality, however, is that we rarely die from the diseases themselves – no matter what they are. It is usually the “complications” that get us in the end, and heart failure would be it for me. This 2009 research study conducted in Sweden gives another glimpse into why heart disease is a very real possibility for me. Although I don’t have all the indicators and there are some limitations in the study, I keep this stuff around to remind me that lupus + kidney disease + sitting for long computer hours=big parts of the coronary picture. I am hoping, though, that I am catching things early enough before I pick up all the other indicators mentioned.
As someone who seems to do better on a team rather than alone, accepting the Jillian in me helps me gain some footing in my plans for better health this year. Although the thought of having more shouting matches going on in my head doesn’t thrill me, treating myself gently isn’t getting me anywhere either. As much as I want to believe Jillian would act differently if she had lupus, I know that the transparency she insists on from her team members is vital for me in getting things accomplished, too.
Bring it, Jillian. I’m ready.
