I just realized that the week is over already and I still have six secrets to uncover, so I’m going to group the next three because they are all based on the primal response I’m trying to ease up in myself: the reaction of fight-or-flight.
Survival thinking, I believe, is at the core of my health troubles. I’m certain that it would take more than a happy pill to address the entire situation, but it’s clear that actual physical threats and my psychological stress signals are getting mixed up. As I try to relieve myself of the physical challenges facing me, I seem to increase the amount of stress I build in order to do so. I’m hoping that by freeing these next secrets, I’ll clear up this confusion.
#6 Personal Secret : I try to control things by reframing situations as ‘problem solving sessions’.
I’ve been fairly open in the past about my need to fix things. I get anxious when there is a problem and I want to relieve it, for me and the other parties involved. This determination, however, tends to create more problems. One of the key issues is the misunderstanding between what I mean as ‘help’. In language terms, help is usually equated with helplessness or some sort of inferiority on the part of the recipient. The way I intend it, since I am one who resists asking for help myself, is as offering support and encouragement without power issues. Getting that meaning across during heated exchanges or times of crisis, though, is what I imagine as walking through an emotional mine field with clown shoes on.
Our brains are sneaky little machines and to convince ourselves we’re in control is just silly. In order to cure myself of this dumb control habit, I read every Malcolm Gladwell book and pummel myself good with humility. Although I’m not yet cured, and may never be, I am learning just how much is going on in my head that I’m not conscious of. The basic idea of reframing is taking in information from communications (verbal and non-verbal) and exploring the structure of that information in chunks based on elements like values, needs, and goals in order to achieve a more positive, mutually-supportive ‘reality’. The more frantic I am in fixing stuff, the more chaotic the information I’m sharing becomes for everyone.
One of the reasons things get out of control is that I am thinking and talking at the same time, rather than giving myself long enough to really see the whole picture and pay attention to how it’s playing out. This leads me to the next secret:
#5 Personal Secret: I always assume people know what my intentions are.
Trusting someone with our meanings is a tricky maneuver, I don’t care who it involves. How many of us have had friendships or working relationships with people for years only to run into a situation with them out of the blue that makes you want to “go turtle” (a favorite Martha Beck-ism of mine, at least who I attribute it to). We are often blind-sided when a person, whom we have openly stepped outside of our shells for, ‘accuses’ us of motives that we were, quite honestly, not even conscious of. In response to these kind of situations, we either jump into combat mode by defending ourselves or hide back into our ‘safe place’ cognitively numb and emotionally hurt. Clearly, our assumptions about them were wrong – or was is simply that assuming was the wrong thing for us to do?
The older I get, the more determined I become after years of living in my shell. I think that my shift towards being more ‘interactive‘ (or, more confrontational – let’s call it what it is), stems from having more life experiences, believing I’m wiser from it and wanting to ‘stop-playing-games-and get-over-it-already !‘. However, the thing about trust is that it is more than one dimensional. One would assume that if we shared kinship or similar interests, networks, jobs, goals or great amounts of time together, that there would be little room for losing confidence in each other. However, trust also has a solidarity component that depends on ‘sharing’ the things about us that are not the same.
Not only are we individuals, but those of us with lupus and other autoimmune diseases, have an additional disadvantage in gaining that solidarity. Generally, our illnesses are not visible or are expressed through symptoms that, for the most part, only the more elderly and ill persons, can ‘understand’. In order for trust to evolve and be maintained, it requires us to put in some elbow grease -something our modern life in this country has severely diminished in us by making assuming friendship more appealing than breaking a friendship sweat.
Many countries have specified social hours where friends, family and community members gather to share and exchange in person their lives (e.g. cafes, pubs and open markets). Although there are days when pain does limit my ability or desire to get out and see people face-to-face, on the days that I am able to get around – I have to get out there and practice. Stop assuming that people know me and give them someone to know. I have several excuses for not doing it and one is usually because I feel like I always have so much to do.
#4 Personal Secret: I am NOT a Type A personality, just an unsuccessful multi-tasker.
How many of us with lupus have assumed ourselves as having Type-A personalities? How many of us have actually taken a Type A Personality test ( a layman’s version here)?
During my thesis, I spent a great deal of time buried in articles, papers and books on support for individuals with lupus. I interviewed women around Oregon about their participation or non-participation in support groups and I can tell you that 90% of the women called or described themselves as being a “Type A“. However, what do we really know about being a Type A? And, why can’t I uncover any articles or sources that definitively link Type A with lupus? Can any of us make a comparison between our degrees of ‘type a-ness’ before diagnosis and after, or are we just seeking answers about who we are as patients?
There are many tests- ranging from scientific to novelty – that can be used to explore your “personality type” . Type A personalities are generally described as competitive, perfectionists, somewhat aggressive and determined stress junkies who are bound for heart attack city. When the women in my study described themselves, they echoed these same traits adding more words like “adrenaline”, “action”, and “busy”. Although we have basic common tendencies, there are many dimensions to us and boxing ourselves into Type A’s leads us to minimize or not give enough credit to some of our other excellent personal qualities.
I have taken my share of online quizzes and personality tests, and every time I get labeled a Type B, not the Type A I assumed I was. However, I don’t recall whether I took the test before being ill, so maybe I used to be a Type A…and now I just don’t take things as seriously. Either way, those Type descriptions vary depending on which site you’re on and what their overall purpose might be (e.g. self-help, human resources, marketing). I am supposedly easy going, less competitive (although they haven’t seen me play Wii), and am more than likely a composite of many traits (which maybe explains why I come out dead even in all of the Myers-Briggs category scores). No matter which tests you take, online or elsewhere, you will only get an idea of the overall way you initially address things- life outside a classroom is much more complicated, of course. To be honest, I never really thought about stress or personality types until I had lupus – what is it about illness that lures us into questioning so much? For me, it’s fear.
So, how have my problem solving efforts and assumptions affected the way I handle conflicts, interact with others and understand myself? Am I less fearful and more in control? Heck, no.
For starters, I haven’t being as true to my nature as I thought I was and that can only logically lead to stress. My health is a permanent part of me – in fact, my very physiology could be what determines my personality ( By the way, my blood Type is B, too). I’ve heard many people tell me (and each other) how good it feels to talk to someone who “knows“. Maybe we’re connecting at levels that we don’t just simply think about, but that we actually pick up on those personality traits we share once we get to know someone. The only way to find out is for us to take that chance, be it through a support group or simply being social within our communities.
Survival is a fundamental part of being human. To get my body and mind in sync and manage stress better, it’s important that I acknowledge how my thoughts, the people in my life and my lupus play key roles in being what I am, rather than assume anything. Whether I’m Type A or purple, dumping these three secrets will help me ‘fight‘ lupus or other crises using a more open heart and encourage me to peek outside that misleading shell to take more frequent ‘flights‘ beyond survival towards living better.
