“Out of the muck of experience grow the plants.”
- Ernest Hemingway
If there is anything we know about living with an “invisible” chronic illness ~ it is that what we’re going through is unseen to those around us and our wishing or waiting for them to understand our situation is futile. No one can know – or ever will know- exactly what we’re going through. That makes our experiences very personal and, as a result of it, we uncover a lot of muck along the way.
Physical challenges aside for now, the “muck” I’m referring to is the emotional, immeasurable and volatile (if left unchecked) needs we seek from others. It is the way we express those hidden thoughts and feelings that leads us to misunderstandings with others – with confusion about ourselves and our illnesses. The burden to express what we’re going through is, as hard as it may be, ultimately up to us. We are responsible for our language, behavior, choices, and knowing who we are underneath it all. In order to explore all of that muck, support is necessary – not easy to ask for sometimes, but definitely necessary.
The trick to seeking out support from others (emotional or informational) is in understanding that we will be successful only if we effectively match the right type and source of support we need.
Looking to our doctors for medical treatment options is a solid match – looking to our doctors for emotional support, not so much. Yet you would be surprised at how many of us seek out that emotional support knowing we only have these medically-trained, professionals for maybe 15 minutes every few months. Recognizing matches takes lots of practice, both in identifying and understanding what we need. However, those needs remain invisible to others until we make them visible. If those we seek support from aren’t able to provide it, then we need to look harder at the match and be more forgiving to those who can’t pull through.
Planting that seed for others takes work on our part, because we are the masters of our own garden. We aren’t going to look for water in the compost pile. We aren’t going to look to shears if we need fertilizer. Then, when there is some serious pruning necessary, we shouldn’t be the ones to climb those ladders – we call in someone else who can and maybe knows more about doing it than we do.
When we’re feeling awful, patience and understanding don’t come easy – I know that first hand. There are days when I know what I want and several other days where I haven’t a clue. How easy it is to target my frustration on those outside of myself when they ‘don’t get it’, aren’t ‘understanding’, avoid me or keep a social event ‘quiet’…I know that in those situations, I haven’t been successful in matching up what I’m feeling, what I’m expecting and what they can offer me.
I might, however, be able to clear up the misunderstandings in the future by digging into the muck first. By commiting to planting a garden through careful planning and educating myself on what I want to have grow within it. Perhaps then the beauty of what I create and wish to share will, in turn, invite others to see me.
Now that’s a garden worth tending to.
